Baby Jonathan
Mood:  sad
Topic: Me!

Today, I attended the funeral for a dear friend's baby boy, Jonathan.  My heart hurts.  My mind aches.  My body is drained.  C gave birth to her perfect baby on Sunday, August 10.  He passed into God's hands as he emerged from her body.  14lbs.  24 inches long.  He looked just perfect.

The doula organization that I belong to here in Oklahoma City had a meeting last month to go over helping clients through losing their baby.  I attended the meeting, as did she.  It wasn't my favorite topic, but we listened and learned.  I prayed that I'd never have to help a client through the loss of their infant, but I never thought that I'd have to help a fellow doula through the loss of her's.

As I took pictures for them today, I found the strength to remain strong.  When my aunt lost Nicholas, I was but 6-7 years old and didn't truly understand the grief.  As a mother. . .I now understand the unbearable feeling.  I saw C as she craddled the baby in her lap, kissing his cheek, stroking his dark hair.  I watched as she sobbed and also comforted her other boys.  This week, I'd been unable to wrap my mind around this.  I'm still searching for words.  Trying to understand.  Praying for something, anything.  I keep wondering why this baby was taken. . .so loved. . .so longed for.  At the same time, there are babies being born in this very city that have nothing. . .no family. . .no love. I'm not saying trade one for the other, I'm just trying to figure it all out.

I know that I don't know what the big plan is now.  It is something that I may never know.  God has a reason for everything. . .I pray for strength, patience and peace for C and her family.

A message to me
Topic: Me!

A friend gave me a message.  Take as you will.  I'll be praying about this one.

"Prepare your heart.  She is coming." 

My quiz
Topic: Me!

Ya know, there are tons of emails floating around in regards to information about the sender.  However, I like this little quiz due to the fact that I made it up and these are specific things about me :)  So. . .should you read this and not be on MySpace or Facebook, take it and see.

And don't be a weiner and not put your name. . .that's just WRONG! :) 

D.R.Y.
Topic: Me!

As I read through old blogs tonight, I realized that it had been awhile since I'd blogged myself.  Then it hit me. I used to be witty. I used to be sarcastic. I used to be. . .dare I say funny??  At least entertaining to myself. However it seems that I've been sucked dry of my quick humor.  Where did it go? Have you seen it?  If you do. . .please send it back. I really need it. Maybe I shall post a reward for found said humor.  At least tell it that I miss it and promise to use it more often and not take it for granted.

Maybe a bribe of chocolate would work???  Always works for me

My epiphany
Topic: Me!
As I watched Pruitt run around this morning, I coughed and sputtered, but realized I felt better today than I did yesterday.  Then this thought hit me. . . .Sickness is not something that you get because there's germs or because you don't take adequate care of yourself.  Sickness is God's way of reminding you how good life was before you got sick and to not take it for granted.

Ok. . .so it may have *something* to do with germs, but still. . .when you've felt bad for a few days and finally feel better, you feel invinceable don't you!?!?

Things related to c-sections
Topic: Me!

There are three things that I wish to touch on right now.  These were to be sent to another person, but I feel. . .not right. . .about talking to her at this point.  So YOU get to read this :)

Firstly, I had a follow-up appointment for my lovely bleeding cysts.  The ultra-sound showed that THEY ARE GONE.  Gone.  No longer residing on my left ovary.  Lucky for me, my doctor wasn't surgery happy and I escaped being cut unnecessarily.  While I was there, I gathered up the courage to ask about my c-section.  I only asked one question.  And that one question was one of the hardest to get out of my mouth:  "When you sewed me up, did I have a single layer closure or double?"   After that, I struggled to listen to what he had to say.  My arms and face started to go numb, my heart started to pound and it became increasingly harder to take a breath.  He explained why "others" feel it's important for a double layer closure and that he routinely does single layer closures unless there's a bleeding issue.  Lucky for me I had a bleeding issue so he gave me "the equivalent of a double closure."  This is good news should I decide to conceive a third child.

My second c-section related writing for the day is this: I've met my hero.  She was at my house back in August but as each day passes I realize how much I think of her.  She has eight children, ages 11 - 10months.  Her eleven year old boy was a c-section.  The rest of her children??  VBACs.  Did you read that?? ALL SEVEN WERE BORN VAGINALLY AFTER HER FIRST CESAREAN!  Pretty impressive if you ask me.

And thirdly. . .hopefully you'll see an improvement in my attitude (yes, I've had an attitude problem for awhile).  I'm switching doctors.  My current doctor I have been seeing since Cale was one month old.  She diagnosed me with Primary Maternal Preoccupation (a form of PPD), anxiety and panic disorder and a slight obsessive compulsive disorder.  She doesn't know she's being left high and dry.  She'll find out shortly.  I just find it hard to move out of any unhappy places when she says, "You are very hard to get through to.  You don't want anyone telling you that you're wrong.  Like with Cale, you couldn't see that you were wrong."  That's when I flat out said, "YES!  I did know that the way I was feeling was wrong.  That's why I came to see you.  It wasn't right and I wanted to change that."  Wanna know what she said?!? "SEE!! You're doing it right now.  You're not listening."   Ummm. . . .I just admitted that I was wrong but I'm not listening??  I've been admitting this for 4 years now and I AM NOT LISTENING?  I'll show you not listening when I don't answer my phone calls from you! (Sorry. . .rather elementary-schoolish of me but seriously!)  How does this relate to the c-section theme of the night?  I'll tell you.

Since Pruitt's birth, I have delt physically and emotionally with the c-section.  I often have problems calling it a birth because for me it wasn't.  When I'd have attacks over the c-section and share them with her, she would tell me that it was no big deal, that I was over reacting and that I needed to move on.  She never asked WHY it was a big deal to me, she never helped me sort through my feelings.  I've been allowed to do that on my own.  Sorry. . .I can only do that so long so I need to find someone to help me.  Yes, most people don't "get" it, but a lot of people don't "get" depression or anorexia, and one of my issues is my c-section.  It's me. . .it's what makes me me.

So there you have it.  Hope you have a great night.  I'm off to bed!

Ode to my birthday
Topic: Me!

TRIPOD ATE MY ORIGINAL POST!

My birthday was June 28.  Yes, this is late, but better late than never right??  Please read the following as you would read JOYFUL JOYFUL WE ADORE THEE.

June the twenty-eighth was my day, but oh dear birthday, you did suck.

Nothing seemed to go the right way.  Guess I've just run out of luck.Early wakings, cranky babies, pain from teeth that were no more.

With it starting oh so badly, it seemed like it was just a chore.

Pitifully I cried myself back into a much needed nap.

Woke to find my hair appointment was in 10. OH NO! OH CRAP!

Rushing, running, driving wildly.  But I made it, all was well.

Hundred dollars later I was done and I was looking swell.

For my lunch, again I had soup.  Found out mom'd been robbed that day.

Oddly dad's identity'd been used in Florida far away.

Grandmas didn't call me and then Bubba jabbed me in my jaw.

Couldn't eat my birthday dinner 'cause my gums were swollen and raw.

Highlight was to be my favorite pie that mom had brought to me.

Opened it to find that it was messed up, unsurprisingly.

Choked it down then kicked them out, I just wanted to go to bed.

This year's birthday wasn't lovely, I've worked on pushing it from my head!

 

The Wisdom Teeth Drama
Topic: Me!

Yes, I made it through. . .by the skin of my teeth literally.  Wanna hear the story?  Like you don't have better things to do, but here it goes.

After the pill popping, I turned the computer off and headed to bed.  I sat there talking to Bubba and thinking to myself the entire time, "This valium sucks. It's not doing a thing!!"  What I had failed to realize is that I was talking nonsense on the outside, but making total sense on the inside.  For example: One of the last things said to Chris was, "Don't forget to brush your teeth."  WHAT??? HUH???  It made no sense to him considering we were talking about his truck.

I wake the next morning to a quiet house.  I was the first awake.  I took my 4 antibiotics like a good girl and started poking Bubba in the shoulder.  Then I said, "I sure hope mom doesn't decide to come over early and set the alarm off."  He asked me how I was feeling yada yada yada and then WOOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOO the alarm goes off because mi madre CAME OVER EARLY!!  Cale flips out and Pru sleeps through it and mom feels like an idiot and dad calls right as she does it and she jumps down his throat *sigh*  That loud WOO'ing should have been my signal for what was to come, but did I listen? Nope.  We get dressed and get around and head to the office.

As we check in, the receptionist said, "Who are you here to see???"  I said, "Dr. D."  She looks at me and says, "You're actually scheduled for Dr. C.  There must have been a mix up."  That's when I absolutely break down.  I had explained all my fears/anxieties/situations to Dr. D and he "got" what was going on, but I knew, and I also told her and Bubba, that if I left that office I was NOT coming back.  So Chris herded me over to a chair to try and ease my fear.

They immediately called me and the doctor came in.  He said he'd heard about the mix-up and didn't want to continue the surgery if we weren't comfortable. I honestly couldn't speak.  I was beside myself.  I'm sure you've never seen a 27 year old blubbering woman shaking so bad that she can't sit still.  Yeah. . .it was that pitiful.  Chris talked to him and we decided to go ahead and proceed.  He kissed me and left.

The nurse had me sit back and explained that they were going to give me nitrous to calm me down.  I was rather excited because I needed calming.  They waited. . . .and waited. . . and waited some more.  I was still shaking and crying and shaking.  So we waited. . .another nurse came over to evaluate the quality of my veins while we waited.  Then Dr. C came over and said, "Did you take your valium Dr. D prescribed?"  My answer, "Yes, last night like he told me to."  He then replied, "You should have been given one to take before you came in this morning." YA THINK????  He then remarked to the nurse to wait some more.  I was still shaking and I remember taking a nice deep breath with the nurse as she said, "Ok, you're going to feel a light poke right NOW." Yep. . .I felt it. . .then the next thing ya know I'm waking up crying.

The nurse told Chris that I woke up the way I went out, "slightly emotional" was her term.  You could say that.  I remember asking immediately if they'd taken all four and ONLY four and they said yes.  Then the nurse started yelling at me, "PIPER.  I need you to STAND UP HON!  PIPER STAND UP!!"  You've just woken me up from the deepest sleep ever and you expect my brain to get my limbs to work.  Probably not.  After getting me to recovery and quizzing Chris, they decided that I'd had my limit of pain meds due to the fact that I'm still nursing Pruitt.  GREAT!  I was already in pain and couldn't have a thing for it.  They get me in a wheel chair and get me to the car.  I vaguely remember that, but I got home in one piece and got settled with my blanket, chair and a pen and paper.  I may have been in pain and/or drugged, but one thing that never left me was my sense of humor.  I was apparently making jokes the minute I stopped crying.  See. . .I'm cool on drugs ;)

Now, I was very very particular in following my post-op directions, however the next morning I felt a massive blood clot drop from the roof of my mouth.  That was rewarded with an emergency trip back up to the office where I was told how HARD it was to get my teeth out.  Not what I wanted to hear.  Since my surgery on 6/21, I've been back to that office four times already.  Each time I get to hear how hard it was to get two teeth out, that there was extra hard pulling and drilling, that I'd be swollen for awhile, that I'm a slow healer and that I'm a trooper for hanging in there.  I did have bruising. . .looked like I'd been smacked in the jaw with a bat.  And to this day, at almost 2 weeks later, I am still swollen and not eating regularly.  Do you know what I'd give for some Mexican food??????  I have lost some weight, but still, I do not like my right to eat being taken from me.  I also still have this unique, what we call, Holly Hunter'esque lisp when I speak.  I can't yell - a fact that thrilled Chris & Cale, but the eating still is my main desire.

See what I mean?  I seriously made it through by the skin of my teeth.  Will I ever feel normal?  I feel like it won't come soon enough, but I sure don't want to rush it.  If the laundry could do itself, the house could stay clean and the boys could take care of themselves, I'd be fine with being down this long.  But unfortunately, my title of "Mom" doesn't come with sick time off.  The world goes on and I must be the one to do the work.

Until next time friends. . .I transcribe "Ode To My Birthday."  Stay tuned for that piece of work.

Shaking in my boots. . .if I had boots
Topic: Me!
I am typing on borrowed time. . .I just took a valium to calm me down and help me sleep. Why would I need this you ask?? I'm having four wisdom teeth removed tomorrow and I am TERRIFIED!!!! I've heard it's not nearly as bad as it seems in my head, but it doesn't make it any better. I pray I sleep through the next week.

Just think happy thoughts and say a prayer for me if you could spare one. I'll be put totally out (THANK GOD!) and have tons and tons 'o drugs ;) I'd love to put it off, but I'd just be delaying the inevitable so I might as well get it over with so I can enjoy my birthday next week.

Yes, I'll make it through, but I surely won't enjoy the ride.

Lookin' good!
Topic: Me!
Today was a day that made me happy. Imagine that! A happy day in the midst of my chaotic life. It didn't start out well with Cale's wild behavior and me not getting everyone around in time to get Cale to school. Luckily, daddy was able to salvage our nasty beginning to May 3.

Once Cale was out the door, I got Pru around and then worked on myself. I knew I had a lot to do (do you realize that in ONE week my BAAAAAAAAABY will be FOUR?!?!) to get ready for Cale's birthday so I knew today would be a wild ride. When getting dressed, I decided on a new top that Chris had talked me into. It's a top that I wouldn't normally wear or pick for myself, but I let him steer me. After I was ready to go, I took a look in the mirror and had an Emeril moment. "Self! You look pretty snazzy momma!" :) That's a rare feeling since I've not been exactly pleased with my post-c-section body.

When I went to mom's, she said, "HOT MOMMA!! WOO!!" Then my sister said, "Holy smokes!! You look awesome!!" So I decided to stop by Bubba's work. . .to show him the "goods" :) He walked out the door and smiled a HUGE smile. He walked up and said, "Niiiiiiiice. . ." Then we did the small talk thing and I could tell something wasn't right. When I asked him, he said, "I'm thinking of how I can rearrange my schedule today." WHAT?!?

You know you look hot when your husband decides to take a half day off work. . .shoot. . .how can he have me out running around the city looking FINE??!!?? ;)

That just made my day!