Topic: Me!
There are three things that I wish to touch on right now. These were to be sent to another person, but I feel. . .not right. . .about talking to her at this point. So YOU get to read this :)
Firstly, I had a follow-up appointment for my lovely bleeding cysts. The ultra-sound showed that THEY ARE GONE. Gone. No longer residing on my left ovary. Lucky for me, my doctor wasn't surgery happy and I escaped being cut unnecessarily. While I was there, I gathered up the courage to ask about my c-section. I only asked one question. And that one question was one of the hardest to get out of my mouth: "When you sewed me up, did I have a single layer closure or double?" After that, I struggled to listen to what he had to say. My arms and face started to go numb, my heart started to pound and it became increasingly harder to take a breath. He explained why "others" feel it's important for a double layer closure and that he routinely does single layer closures unless there's a bleeding issue. Lucky for me I had a bleeding issue so he gave me "the equivalent of a double closure." This is good news should I decide to conceive a third child.
My second c-section related writing for the day is this: I've met my hero. She was at my house back in August but as each day passes I realize how much I think of her. She has eight children, ages 11 - 10months. Her eleven year old boy was a c-section. The rest of her children?? VBACs. Did you read that?? ALL SEVEN WERE BORN VAGINALLY AFTER HER FIRST CESAREAN! Pretty impressive if you ask me.
And thirdly. . .hopefully you'll see an improvement in my attitude (yes, I've had an attitude problem for awhile). I'm switching doctors. My current doctor I have been seeing since Cale was one month old. She diagnosed me with Primary Maternal Preoccupation (a form of PPD), anxiety and panic disorder and a slight obsessive compulsive disorder. She doesn't know she's being left high and dry. She'll find out shortly. I just find it hard to move out of any unhappy places when she says, "You are very hard to get through to. You don't want anyone telling you that you're wrong. Like with Cale, you couldn't see that you were wrong." That's when I flat out said, "YES! I did know that the way I was feeling was wrong. That's why I came to see you. It wasn't right and I wanted to change that." Wanna know what she said?!? "SEE!! You're doing it right now. You're not listening." Ummm. . . .I just admitted that I was wrong but I'm not listening?? I've been admitting this for 4 years now and I AM NOT LISTENING? I'll show you not listening when I don't answer my phone calls from you! (Sorry. . .rather elementary-schoolish of me but seriously!) How does this relate to the c-section theme of the night? I'll tell you.
Since Pruitt's birth, I have delt physically and emotionally with the c-section. I often have problems calling it a birth because for me it wasn't. When I'd have attacks over the c-section and share them with her, she would tell me that it was no big deal, that I was over reacting and that I needed to move on. She never asked WHY it was a big deal to me, she never helped me sort through my feelings. I've been allowed to do that on my own. Sorry. . .I can only do that so long so I need to find someone to help me. Yes, most people don't "get" it, but a lot of people don't "get" depression or anorexia, and one of my issues is my c-section. It's me. . .it's what makes me me.
So there you have it. Hope you have a great night. I'm off to bed!