The Circle of Life
We made it through. We did what had to be done and lived to tell about it. What a GORGEOUS service it was for Grandpa. So many songs, so much love, it's the way he would have liked it. I made peace at the church as they closed the casket. I hadn't cried again until this weekend.

My dad threw his back out up in Tulsa and I received a call at 7 on Sunday morning. Dad had passed out in the bathroom from the pain and he needed drugs. Who do you call when you need drugs?!?!? ME!! LOL We slowly got up and got dressed and headed that way. By noon, dad was smiling goofily and slurring his words. He was a happy man ;)

But the part that made me cry was when I shared with him a poem that I had written the night before.

I've lived my life with the understanding that everything is in God's plan.

But some things I question and some I ignore and I just do the best that I can.

Then on Thanksgiving life turned upside down and a strong healthy man fell ill.

Grandpa fought with all his might and never lost his will.

A week later, to the day I sat by his bed as he slept.

I thought about how much I loved that man and held his hand as I wept.

On Saturday morning, December the fourth, God took his hand and showed him the way,

To a place that we can only dream about, no pain, no tears, just day.

The pain of our loss is incredible, I can't believe that he's gone

But in a surprising turn of events, we found out his spirit lives on.

I call this the circle of life, the Lord giveth and taketh away.

And as fresh as the hurt is, this child inside, is the dawning of a brand new day.

In August we'll receive the bittersweet gift of a baby, innocent and new,

And Grandpa's love will be in its eyes and his spirit will be shining through.

I'll pass on the memories that we made while we were blessed to have him here,

And Grandpa will be smiling down, our dear angel, ever so near.

My dad and I cried together and he hugged me in his drug induced state and said, "Pipey!! How incredibly awesome! This is so wonderful!! I was thinking how the circle of life works, Dad was the old, and he had to go and I thought about how Cale was the newest, but little did I know that there was a new life right there, right there with Dad as the old life left. Absolutely amazing." It was a far cry from when we told him I was pregnant with Cale and he didn't speak to us! ;)

There are many amazing points to this:
1. I remember standing by Grandpa and thinking. . .I could be pregnant, it's too early to know, but he'll know before I will.
2. This was my third month off of birth control pills. We were letting my body "regulate" on the metformin before officially trying at the beginning of the year.
3. It took us 13 months to conceive Cale, numerous appointments and tests and poking and prodding and I had gotten myself mentally prepared for another long journey.
4. This child will always share a special bond with my grandpa, it's truly the circle of life.

Tonight we are going to tell Chris' side of the family. I'm still in shock and it feels odd telling people that I am indeed pregnant, but folks, Chris made me test 3 times and ONLY after the third test did he truly believe. He did this with Cale and I finally laughed yesterday morning and said, "Ya know dude, you can't take it back now!!!!! HA!!!" ;) He rolled his eyes and said, "Man. . .who would have thought. This one's meant to be."

And Bubba, I couldn't agree more, God knows what he's doing and he knew how to help us. Cale was so loved when we found out about him b/c of all we'd been through to get him and this new one is so loved b/c of the amazing bond that exists between it and my Grandpa. As my friend El said, Grandpa is smiling down on us.

Thank you God and thank you Grandpa. . .you knew. . .you knew!

I'm hurting so incredibly bad
Topic: Me!
I keep praying that this will get better, but I know it will only get worse before it gets better.

My sweet, kind and loving grandpa left this world for a better place early this morning. We were lucky enough to get to talk with him on Thursday and he seemed fine, but took a turn. We were all by his side as he left and I never imagined the contrast of emotions I felt. It was one of the hardest but one of the best things I've done.

We never knew it would end like this. . .the doctors said he'd be fine. But sometimes God has another plan and we are currently trying to accept this.

I am now grandpa-less, I lost my maternal grandpa in Feb 1995. Pa left suddenly with no warning, so Grandpa's passing has given me more comfort since I got to tell him all the things I wanted to and to say goodbye.

He only raised his voice to me one time. . .I was about 7. He never complained, even this week when he was in extreme pain. He always had a smile, a hug and a "scratchy" kiss for everyone. We had many great family trips, my favorite was riding Space Moutain with him at Disneyland and hearing him scream! :) He titled me "Official Turkey Tester" and my heart breaks at the thought of him not cutting the turkey on Christmas day. He was a dear precious man that raised a truly wonderful son, my dad. My sweet Lover Boy carries on his name and Grandpa loved him and called him SWELL. . .his only GREAT-grandchild. Cale loved his UMP-PA too and I have great memories of the two of them together, just a week before he entered the hospital.

I love you Grandpa. I know you're so happy in heaven and there's plenty of coffee and crossword puzzles to keep you busy. We will miss you so much, but know we'll see you again.

Russell I. Park
January 17, 1923 - December 4, 2004

Ole!!
Topic: Momma's Lover Dover
I'm sitting here TRYING not to break into laughter. My Lover just awoke and the first words out of his mouth??? **singing as only he can do** Ole Ole. . .Ole Ole. . .Ole Ole. . .Ole Ole!! ROTFLOL Cale loves his music, all kinds of music, from rap to techno to country to The Wiggles (gagging). And he'll want to listen to it on HIS time.

We'll be riding in the car and he'll take his headphones off and say, "Daddy!!! Bomp bomp bom!!!!" over and over as he bobs his precious head. As his official translator, Bomp bomp bom means, "Daddy!!!! Either play the ringtone on your phone or the Lynyrd Skynyrd version of Sweet Home Alabama!!!!!" We have this song burned onto a cd with my other favs, including Buster Poindexter's HOT HOT HOT (hence the ole ole).

One of the cutest things on earth. . .Ole Ole. . .Ole Ole. . .followed by YEAH TOE!!! (yes, he calls himself Toe instead of Cale!) **ahhhhh, my heart is melting**

Life
Topic: Me!
Ya know, I was thinking (Oh Lord, yes she's thinking again which mean she'll ramble on and on for days at end and never give us a break!!) That's right, let the rambling begin.

Last night in the shower I was thinking about that sweet baby Cole that passed away. That led me to think about his parents and the awful empty pain they must feel. I couldn't imagine losing Cale. . .he is my life!! And that thought, my friends, is what led me to think about the depression that I went through before and after he came into our lives.

The interesting thing about my thoughts is that I wasn't the only one pondering over what they've delt with in their lives since having a baby.

Let me be the first to tell you (in case you didn't already know) that depression is nothing to hide!! So many people try to get along in life by just "coping" with it and so many others, friends, family members, etc., they see the signs and shrug it off. I suffered for 5 months before conceiving Cale. I suffered from panic and anixiety attacks. I quit eating, quit going out with Chris, laid in bed, slept SO MUCH and just didn't care about a freaking thing (when I finally did go to the doctor, he asked a series of questions: Do you feel people are judging you? I DON'T CARE, Do you feel undecisive, IDC, Do you feel guilt when making a decision, IDC, Do you feel you have nothing to live for? IDC!! etc etc etc). I also didn't talk about it with anyone. It literally took me 3 months to tell my parents what was going on. Right before I found out I was pregnant, we had gone to visit my grandparents in Tulsa. My Uncle Sam was there and as we all sat around the table (me, dumbfoundedly eating pickle slices and cheese dip), Sam looked at me and said, "Wow! That's quite the attitude! You're not usually like this." And how did I reply??? I looked the man straight in the eye, shook a pickle slice at him and said, "Yep! I just don't really care. End of story" and stomped out of the room. I finally got meds that made me feel more normal and so much better but quit them cold turkey when I found out we were FINALLY expecting (the dr believes that part of the depression was linked to our 13 month journey in trying to become pregnant).

Because I now had a "history" of depression, we knew to watch for it after giving birth. We watched and didn't see it. Do you all realize the different types of depression?!?!? I never had a clue!!! There are so many types that I'm astonished!! I suffered from post pardum depression (PPD) and a form called Primary Maternal Preoccupation. I know, you're saying, Primary what?!?!? Yep, let me explain it to you to the best of my ability (you'd think that 2 1/2 years later I'd be able to make people understand, but that's not the case). PMP means that the world around the mother disappears. The only thing that she is able to focus on is that baby. How this effected me was that I couldn't handle anyone holding him. Fine, talk to him, touch him, play with him on the floor, but if you pick him up or take him from me, panic strikes. For me, my attacks came in the form of a "black out." If someone were to pick him up or take him, I'd plaster a smile on my face and not be able to remember what happened or what was said after that. . . sometimes for hours.

What made it even harder was the fact that I wanted people to enjoy him as much as I was, but I mentally couldn't let him go. I was hurting those that I cared about and couldn't get them to understand what I was feeling. (side note: as I type this, I'm reliving the instances and the pain and my face is starting to go numb - one of my first signs of an attack) I actually left my mom and dad's one day with my mother not speaking to me. She honestly believed that I was hurting her on purpose.

Here's where my plea comes in. If you know someone that is suffering or that you think is suffering, PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS AS A PERSONAL ATTACK. It is the farthest thing from it. As a sufferer, the one thing I needed was a support group. I needed to know that I wasn't a freak and that I wasn't alone, that others were going to be there to help me and love me regardless. Poor Bubba carried that weight on his shoulders all alone for a long time and I thank God daily for his strength, support and unwavering devotion to myself and Cale. When people hear PPD, they instantly think of Andrea Yates. People need to educate themselves before they jump to conclusions. Call people, talk, ask how they are doing. We aren't ridiculously senseless people that might rub off on you if you get too close. We are people that are suffering in silence, hoping no one will notice but praying that someone will help us feel normal.

I've always been very open about my PPD. People think it's something to whisper about, something to hide. I thought that myself with my first diagnosis, but it's not. The more I talk about it the more I can help those understand and support people. Now on that note, if you don't fully understand what someone is going through, that's ok too. There are people in my life that still don't get what I went through and what I'm still fighting now. I was constantly pushed to take meds and have been asked to this day why I didn't. Here's why. . .there are pills that have been found to show very little traces in breastmilk, but when this started they were unsure of side effects on the baby later in life. I exclusively pumped for Cale until he was 11 months old and did not want to harm him in any way, that's why :)

By talking about it to people, I've also been able to help those suffering silently. People I've never met face to face, people I see daily and even people that haven't contacted me, but they simply know they aren't alone.

I've been in therapy since June 2002 and you wouldn't believe how strong of a person I am now. I still have attacks, but I've learned to fight some off, and to handle those that sneak up on me better.

Now that you've read my ramblings, you can feel better about being educated on some of the types of depression. If you know someone that you think is suffering, reach out to them (don't try to "fix" them, that's not your job!), let them know that you are there to support them in any way possible and listen. If you are silently suffering and hurting, don't hold it in, talk to someone. Shoot, email me!! But don't let it continue, it's not worth being miserable during out short stay on this earth. It's amazing how differently you look at life after you've learned to handle your depression. There are many treatments, you must chose the one that is right for you (man, that sounds like a commercial! LOL). Although I'm tired, I feel great. . .bring it on!! I'll take on the world ;) And pray for me, as I will for all of you, for strength and happiness as the journey continues. And thank you to those that have helped me deal with this over the years. I love you all!! :)

Hiney cleaner
Topic: Me!
Ya know, since Cale was born I thought that my job was a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom for all you non-internet lingo'ers). Then it occurred to me yesterday as Cale waved his hand in front of his face yelling OOOOEEEEYYYYY!!!!!! My job is that of a hiney cleaner!! Regardless of the fact that the kid can do his business on the potty (and a cold one at that), I'm still a hiney cleaner!!!!!*sigh*

And we want another one. . . . .*shaking my head* ;)

My poor lover boy
Topic: Momma's Lover Dover
Momma's lover boy turned 2 1/2 yesterday, and what a hard day he'd had!! It originally started out a week from Tuesday. It was 20 minutes until naptime and we were playing with Emmee (one of our Lhasas) and she took off running down the hall. As he always does, Cale followed behind her just laughing! But it all went south within seconds. Something happened (him being in the hall and my x-ray glasses at the shop I didn't witness this) and Emmee bit him. Within 5 minutes I was whisking him to the doctor's office bloody, bruised and shoeless. The doctor told us he'd be fine, watch for infection yada yada. I felt so bad!

Fast forward to this Tuesday. We'd walked the mall in hopes that Cale would be calm and non-toddler like, but I was feeling mighty icky. So we return home and while sitting in the living room, Cale has one dog on each side of him, patting their backs and saying, "Num, Two! Two dogee!!" to which we smile and nod. Cale goes back and forth with petting the two dogs and not 10 minutes later is in the floor with Emmee. He's patting her back and, as we watched in pure shock, she goes after him, biting him and knocking him backwards. No parent should EVER have to watch this!! Chris grabs Emmee and I fall to the ground and scoop up Cale. This time the blood continues and continues. He lets me look and it's not just his lip this time, it's also his tongue and his gums above his 2 front teeth. Mortified, Chris takes Emmee and drops her at my mom and dad's. We are now searching for a home for her, a home without children. I am so heartbroken! We've had her for 6 years and she was my baby before Cale. It's wild, we'd never had a problem with her before and we, for some reason, thought it would be Skye instead of Emmee.

Then last night. . .what a night for Cale! We sit down to dinner in the living room (it's one of our favorite things to do). In an attempt to get Cale to eat well, we've taken his highchair and placed a TV tray in front of him instead of the highchair tray (which he can successfully take off!). Chris was out grilling him a few ribs and ran to the sliding door, banging and yelling in his way of scaring Cale. Normally this is fun and great, but it scared Cale so badly that he jumped and knocked the tray over. He cried and cried and cried. It was so awful!! THEN, my sister and Jason came over. They were playing "horsey" in the hall and all of a sudden Cale fell off of Carly. When he did, his ear caught the corner of the wall and busted it open. Once again, momma watched in horror but scooped him up to get some loving. Later, my mom showed up, and, like I've posted before, she has a knack for injuring my child. She stepped over the gate onto his hand AND then knocked him in the head with the chair she was so vigorously rocking in. This poor child is so beaten and battered, I'm surprised he won't be taken into custody!! :)

Now, being the good mother that I am (stop laughing!!) there will be pictures of some of these injuries. The first fat lip from Emmee, the second nasty place above his teeth from Emmee, Cale sitting at the TV tray, a picture from mere moments before the horsey fall and yes, probably the ear (which I've yet to see this morning since he's STILL asleep!). Hey, I've got to document these things and besides, we all know how nosey others are, you wanna see them too!! ;)

The search for shoes
Topic: Momma's Lover Dover
Before Cale was born, he had a closet full of clothes and shoes. This child had numerous outfits he never even wore!!! We were set up to 12 months. . .size wise. Well, mother nature had a different plan and at 6 months old, little Cale was wearing 12-18 months! SWOOSH!! That plan went right out the window. Now, at 9 days shy of 2 1/2 years old, Lover wears a size 4T! We can't keep clothes or shoes for him!!!

Hence the hunt for shoes. Not just any shoes, the PERFECT shoes! My mom mentioned buying him shoes that light up, but this was like, oh, 8 months ago. The only shoes that I had seen that had lights on them were character shoes and I don't much care for character shoes/clothes. Mom, knowing this, sent me on a quest for light up shoes. Three months later Cale was still not the happy owner of lighted shoes.

So here I am, straight out of a cast in the heat of June and I find these awesome light up shoes!! No characters and very practical. They were on sale too!!!! AMAZING!!!! ;) BUT, Chris was at work and I can't just off and buy shoes without him there (he's very particular about what Cale wears, he's afraid I'll buy him shoes with bows or something!). So I head home with no lighted shoes in my posession. That night, we catch Cale in his closet, pulling out all of his old shoes and SLAPPING the bottoms to get them to "light up." We knew then that he had to own a pair. We went the next day and bought them for him and he LOVES them!! God has been smiling on us since because he is JUST NOW outgrowing those shoes. Now the problem. . .finding another pair of acceptable light up shoes in a 9 1/2 or 10 (yes, he has huge feet too!) that won't cost $45!! I just know the minute I go out and pay full price he'll only be able to wear them through Thanksgiving!! Chris will shoot me!! BUT, I know what you're thinking, don't buy lighted shoes. PEOPLE!!!! LISTEN TO ME!!! READ MY POST!!! Cale goes to our closet, slaps the bottom of our shoes and then looks at us with pity as if saying, "Man, how incredibly heartbreaking that you don't have the coolest shoes like me. Stride Rite freaking rocks and you are just pathetic un-lighted shoe losers."

So the quest is on. If only his Daddy would get as involved in looking for the epitomy of shoes like he looked for the epitomy of vehicles for me. And no, eBay is flat out of lighted shoes that are approved by Bubba. Pray for a Stride Rite sale. . .and SOON!!!!!!!!

Oooooh!!! It's Halloween!!!
Topic: Me!
Let's face it, I'm a holiday fanatic. I LOVE HOLIDAYS!! I don't care what they are, I feel they are all individually special with their own kinks and fun things and I want to celebrate to the fullest! And tomorrow starts a BIG one! HALLOWEEN!!!!!!

I started thinking about Halloween as soon as the fire crackers were cool ;) Last year I had decided I wanted Cale to be a little biker. . .leather jacket and all. But while searching on the internet discovered that his all time favorite character (Bear from Bear in the Big Blue House) is a costume!! Oh well then. . .I wouldn't have it that I didn't get that danged thing for him! I searched high and low and found new and used ones on ebay and bid and lost and searched and threw a fit until finally. . .I GOT IT!!!!!!! I got it back in September and went absolutely crazy!! I was freaking out!! I whipped it out of the box to find that it was more magnificent than I'd ever imagined!! The minute that Cale saw it he hit the high that I was on! He put it on and pranced around and smiled and it was precious!

Anyway, so I've been geared up to get Halloween HERE! We put off buying candy b/c we knew we'd eat it all before the big night. So we went on a much needed trip to Wal-Mart two nights ago (when is a trip to Wal-Mart NOT needed??) and browsed through the candy aisle. BUT, we hit it with a different thought process. As we walked we asked each other, "Do you like those? What about these? I hate those!" etc. etc. etc. ;) We chose 2 packs of candy that neither one of us cared for and as we left the store I looked at Chris and said, "In theory that's a great idea, but this really BITES!!! I WANT BUTTERFINGER!!!!!!!!!" It was a really good thing we didn't get any because we'd need to go back to the store for more!!

One of the fun things for us started last year when Chris' work started allowing the employees to bring their kids to trick-or-treat the building along with the daycare kids they bring in. Now seriously. . .he's almost 2 1/2 and only 1 1/2 last year. . .how much does he really "GET" trick-or-treating???? He doesn't feel that anticipation of DYING to go out but being told NOT YET for the umpteenth time because your mom makes you eat dinner first (OH THE HUMANITY OF EATING DINNER!!!!). He just thinks that he gets all the attention and candy for NOTHING and life is a handful of suckers. So why take him??? FOR THE CANDY YOU FRUIT LOOPS THAT'S WHY!! I WANT CANDY!!! Therefore Cale will be, once again, going in full force trick-or-treating mode tomorrow night, with one of his watchful parents in tow prompting him to "GET THE CHOCOLATE ONE CALE!"

Once again I prove the point that we suck as parents. . .using our children to manipulate the system of holidays. Oh well, I can't wait to have more ;)

The chilling Park secret
Topic: Weirdness
Can you believe that we have secrets?? Oh yes we do! :) I'm going to go out on a limb and tell you one of the Park Family secrets. . .get ready!

For those that know my dad (OH NO I'M GONNA TALK ABOUT MY DAD AGAIN!! LOL and as Michelle put it, he's going to be "the butt of my hilarity" today), he's a great Christian man with an open ear, some AWESOME advice, off the wall sense of humor and a tender heart. It was often joked about that Chris didn't marry me for me, he married me for dad because they are pretty connected. ;) My dad, however, doesn't enjoy dirt or bugs. Never has and never will. I inherited this from him. I hate the smell of a freshly mowed lawn and panic at the sight of spiders. BUT, my dad has a very weird sick side to him. Let me tell ya the story ;)

Mom LOVES to leave the backdoor open for "fresh air" and the dogs enjoy going in and out. She left the door open last week when she was home and turned in time to see a mouse scuttle into the kitchen. I'm not sure if there were attempts at getting it back outside, but it was there to stay. Now you're probably thinking why are there mice around?? Mom and dad live 1/2 a block from a lake and the houses one street over actually have a little land to them. There are opposums and skunks and snakes around all the time (why didn't we learn this before they moved in??) In one week, this mouse had managed to scare Carly twice (in one day), set the dog off barking and literally attacked poor Jason (what mouse wouldn't love to hide in that big 'ole house anyway??). My dad has an intense love for catching mice. He could NOT wait to catch this mouse. Carly and I were trying to explain to Jason dad's deep passion for this and he just didn't get it. Chris still shudders when thinking about it. Dad always bought regular traps. He said he loves the adrenaline rush when he hears it POP! (sick I know!) but then the wonderful inventors of rodent extermination developed the ever loved and adored sticky trap. This has become my father's weapon of choice. Why you ask?? Well, let's just use my dad's words. "It's not the stickiness that will kill them. And it's not me that will kill them. I just like to take them on a little 'trip.' And it's also not that trip that will kill them. What usually gets them is that ever so sudden and abrupt stop as they hit the side of the house." *insert his evil and ornery laugh/chuckle here* Is that not the sickest thing you've ever heard of???? As I told Jason this story, he didn't even flinch. I thought, "How odd. EVERYONE flinches." Then Jason said to me, "Well I'd like to get it and pinch its little head off!!" Man oh man do dad and Jason get along now!! LOL

What became of that mouse that wrecked havoc on the Park home?? May we have a moment of silence in his memory and maybe I should place a small cross on the side of the house, where he met his untimely passing last night (for which we received a victory phone call).

Flame me if you want. I don't like mice and I never will. They've caused me trauma and carpet burns and I would rather their kind just stay as far away from me as humanly possible. Flame my dad too, but it will do no good. So I warn you, if you are a mouse and live within feet of my dad's house, RUN!! RUN FOR YOUR LITTLE MOUSEY LIVES!!! HE'LL GET YOU!!!!!! ;)

Bo and muriel. . . .
Topic: Weirdness
Ahhhhh. . .the three men in my life. . .shall I name them by age or height or amount of hair?? ;) LOL My dad, Chris and Cale (I went with age) constantly have me in stitches. Usually it's because of a mess up, but I get a good laugh regardless!!

Let's start with dad. He's notorious for flipping words: he does announcements at church and told the congregation "Be sure and keep So and So in your prayers. He'll be having a peacemaker installed on Monday." The people roar with laughter. It doesn't stop there. As he closes he says, "And be sure and rejoin us tonight at 5, Jeff will be preaching on Blessed are the Pacemakers. . .Peacemakers. . .P something!" and again the congregation bursts into hysterical laughter. So it came as no biggie when we were talking about Jason (Carly's boyfriend) and he said, "I was telling one of the guys that Jason is a muriel painter." Ummmm. . .dad. . .I'm not quite sure who Muriel is, but I bet he doesn't care to paint her considering he paints MURALS!!!!!!

Chris, oh, bless his big ole heart! He's so good natured about these things, but his mind works faster than his mouth. Cale loves to put goldfish crackers in a bowl and them dump them on the table. It's really a nightly ritual. He did this a few nights ago and went back to Chris for more crackers proclaiming he was "OUT Deedee!" Chris in a rush to say what he was thinking and watch his show at the same time said, "No, Cale, eat the table first." ROTFLOL I about wet myself!!!! Cale stopped with a perplexed look and I honestly don't know what he did after that. . .I was too busy trying to make it to the bathroom!!

And then there's sweet Cale. He's been doing so well with his speech therapy and has shown major improvement. The thing that amazes his therapist is that he won't say simple words like cat and dog, oh no!! This child says PEPPERONI or PAPERTOWEL or BUTTERFLY!! She can't figure him out!! So I, of course, don't help the situation, but after driving through the neighborhood a MILLION times and him pointing at garage doors saying UP UP UP or DOWN DOWN DOWN, he came to one that was halfway up (or halfway down depending on your perspective). He pointed and said, "Momma! Eh??? Up down up down!" to which I replied without thinking, "Oh no! It's in limbo isn't it?" Yep, he picked it up! That smart little toot now halfway opens and closes EVERYTHING and proudly states, "Momma!! Bo!!" Yes lover, it's in limbo.