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Now my family doesn't make this much easier. I've spent a lot of time with my parents and sister in the last few weeks (so much actually that we couldn't remember the last time we had been this close. . .and all still standing basically unscathed!). My family LOVES food. Seriously, it's freakishly strange how much we love food. We don't believe in rationing. Oh no!! We eat with GUSTO!!! ;) I went home from the hospital Wednesday, had three spoonfuls of goolosh (how do you spell that anyway??) and a cup of green olives (not a pregnancy enduced cup, this is my normal behavior!). Mom. . apparently she's feeling my pain b/c she too had goolosh, but not a few spoonfuls. . .let's just say a bit more, some olives, a pickle, cheddar, mayo and tomato sandwich (which I insisted made me want to vomit all over her hip black shag rug) and a handful of those delicious white chocolate mint thingies. We know how to eat folks.
When I was pregnant with Cale, my first symptom of pregnancy was the fact that I devoured a large pizza from Little Casears and left one small, pathetic square for Chris. I have yet to inhale an entire pizza, but I will eat at 6pm and be miserably empty by 9, at which time I look at Bubba and say, DUDE!!! I'M HUNGRY!! FEED ME NOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!! :) But the man hasn't smartened up, the mean thing he does is look at me and shake his head as if I lack the necessary willpower to deal with it. Ummm. . .were you just born lunatic?? You don't say no to a pregnant woman that may gnaw your big 'ole arm off in a matter of nanoseconds.
And lucky for everyone, I'm not craving strange foods like someone else I know. Nah, here in the great state of Oklahoma, we crave pizza (with SAUCE AND MEAT GRETCHEN. NOT SEEDS!!!!!) or green olives!! Or marshmellows!! Not something that I can't pronounce with my supposed Okie accent that I DO NOT HAVE!
Oh well, what am I going to do?? It's one of the beauties of pregnancy. Now should I go and wake Cale up before I pass out from having had nothing to eat in like 4 hours?? ;)
My dad threw his back out up in Tulsa and I received a call at 7 on Sunday morning. Dad had passed out in the bathroom from the pain and he needed drugs. Who do you call when you need drugs?!?!? ME!! LOL We slowly got up and got dressed and headed that way. By noon, dad was smiling goofily and slurring his words. He was a happy man ;)
But the part that made me cry was when I shared with him a poem that I had written the night before.
But some things I question and some I ignore and I just do the best that I can.
Then on Thanksgiving life turned upside down and a strong healthy man fell ill.
Grandpa fought with all his might and never lost his will.
A week later, to the day I sat by his bed as he slept.
I thought about how much I loved that man and held his hand as I wept.
On Saturday morning, December the fourth, God took his hand and showed him the way,
To a place that we can only dream about, no pain, no tears, just day.
The pain of our loss is incredible, I can't believe that he's gone
But in a surprising turn of events, we found out his spirit lives on.
I call this the circle of life, the Lord giveth and taketh away.
And as fresh as the hurt is, this child inside, is the dawning of a brand new day.
In August we'll receive the bittersweet gift of a baby, innocent and new,
And Grandpa's love will be in its eyes and his spirit will be shining through.
I'll pass on the memories that we made while we were blessed to have him here,
And Grandpa will be smiling down, our dear angel, ever so near.
There are many amazing points to this:
1. I remember standing by Grandpa and thinking. . .I could be pregnant, it's too early to know, but he'll know before I will.
2. This was my third month off of birth control pills. We were letting my body "regulate" on the metformin before officially trying at the beginning of the year.
3. It took us 13 months to conceive Cale, numerous appointments and tests and poking and prodding and I had gotten myself mentally prepared for another long journey.
4. This child will always share a special bond with my grandpa, it's truly the circle of life.
Tonight we are going to tell Chris' side of the family. I'm still in shock and it feels odd telling people that I am indeed pregnant, but folks, Chris made me test 3 times and ONLY after the third test did he truly believe. He did this with Cale and I finally laughed yesterday morning and said, "Ya know dude, you can't take it back now!!!!! HA!!!" ;) He rolled his eyes and said, "Man. . .who would have thought. This one's meant to be."
And Bubba, I couldn't agree more, God knows what he's doing and he knew how to help us. Cale was so loved when we found out about him b/c of all we'd been through to get him and this new one is so loved b/c of the amazing bond that exists between it and my Grandpa. As my friend El said, Grandpa is smiling down on us.
Thank you God and thank you Grandpa. . .you knew. . .you knew!
My sweet, kind and loving grandpa left this world for a better place early this morning. We were lucky enough to get to talk with him on Thursday and he seemed fine, but took a turn. We were all by his side as he left and I never imagined the contrast of emotions I felt. It was one of the hardest but one of the best things I've done.
We never knew it would end like this. . .the doctors said he'd be fine. But sometimes God has another plan and we are currently trying to accept this.
I am now grandpa-less, I lost my maternal grandpa in Feb 1995. Pa left suddenly with no warning, so Grandpa's passing has given me more comfort since I got to tell him all the things I wanted to and to say goodbye.
He only raised his voice to me one time. . .I was about 7. He never complained, even this week when he was in extreme pain. He always had a smile, a hug and a "scratchy" kiss for everyone. We had many great family trips, my favorite was riding Space Moutain with him at Disneyland and hearing him scream! :) He titled me "Official Turkey Tester" and my heart breaks at the thought of him not cutting the turkey on Christmas day. He was a dear precious man that raised a truly wonderful son, my dad. My sweet Lover Boy carries on his name and Grandpa loved him and called him SWELL. . .his only GREAT-grandchild. Cale loved his UMP-PA too and I have great memories of the two of them together, just a week before he entered the hospital.
I love you Grandpa. I know you're so happy in heaven and there's plenty of coffee and crossword puzzles to keep you busy. We will miss you so much, but know we'll see you again.
We'll be riding in the car and he'll take his headphones off and say, "Daddy!!! Bomp bomp bom!!!!" over and over as he bobs his precious head. As his official translator, Bomp bomp bom means, "Daddy!!!! Either play the ringtone on your phone or the Lynyrd Skynyrd version of Sweet Home Alabama!!!!!" We have this song burned onto a cd with my other favs, including Buster Poindexter's HOT HOT HOT (hence the ole ole).
One of the cutest things on earth. . .Ole Ole. . .Ole Ole. . .followed by YEAH TOE!!! (yes, he calls himself Toe instead of Cale!) **ahhhhh, my heart is melting**
Last night in the shower I was thinking about that sweet baby Cole that passed away. That led me to think about his parents and the awful empty pain they must feel. I couldn't imagine losing Cale. . .he is my life!! And that thought, my friends, is what led me to think about the depression that I went through before and after he came into our lives.
The interesting thing about my thoughts is that I wasn't the only one pondering over what they've delt with in their lives since having a baby.
Let me be the first to tell you (in case you didn't already know) that depression is nothing to hide!! So many people try to get along in life by just "coping" with it and so many others, friends, family members, etc., they see the signs and shrug it off. I suffered for 5 months before conceiving Cale. I suffered from panic and anixiety attacks. I quit eating, quit going out with Chris, laid in bed, slept SO MUCH and just didn't care about a freaking thing (when I finally did go to the doctor, he asked a series of questions: Do you feel people are judging you? I DON'T CARE, Do you feel undecisive, IDC, Do you feel guilt when making a decision, IDC, Do you feel you have nothing to live for? IDC!! etc etc etc). I also didn't talk about it with anyone. It literally took me 3 months to tell my parents what was going on. Right before I found out I was pregnant, we had gone to visit my grandparents in Tulsa. My Uncle Sam was there and as we all sat around the table (me, dumbfoundedly eating pickle slices and cheese dip), Sam looked at me and said, "Wow! That's quite the attitude! You're not usually like this." And how did I reply??? I looked the man straight in the eye, shook a pickle slice at him and said, "Yep! I just don't really care. End of story" and stomped out of the room. I finally got meds that made me feel more normal and so much better but quit them cold turkey when I found out we were FINALLY expecting (the dr believes that part of the depression was linked to our 13 month journey in trying to become pregnant).
Because I now had a "history" of depression, we knew to watch for it after giving birth. We watched and didn't see it. Do you all realize the different types of depression?!?!? I never had a clue!!! There are so many types that I'm astonished!! I suffered from post pardum depression (PPD) and a form called Primary Maternal Preoccupation. I know, you're saying, Primary what?!?!? Yep, let me explain it to you to the best of my ability (you'd think that 2 1/2 years later I'd be able to make people understand, but that's not the case). PMP means that the world around the mother disappears. The only thing that she is able to focus on is that baby. How this effected me was that I couldn't handle anyone holding him. Fine, talk to him, touch him, play with him on the floor, but if you pick him up or take him from me, panic strikes. For me, my attacks came in the form of a "black out." If someone were to pick him up or take him, I'd plaster a smile on my face and not be able to remember what happened or what was said after that. . . sometimes for hours.
What made it even harder was the fact that I wanted people to enjoy him as much as I was, but I mentally couldn't let him go. I was hurting those that I cared about and couldn't get them to understand what I was feeling. (side note: as I type this, I'm reliving the instances and the pain and my face is starting to go numb - one of my first signs of an attack) I actually left my mom and dad's one day with my mother not speaking to me. She honestly believed that I was hurting her on purpose.
Here's where my plea comes in. If you know someone that is suffering or that you think is suffering, PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS AS A PERSONAL ATTACK. It is the farthest thing from it. As a sufferer, the one thing I needed was a support group. I needed to know that I wasn't a freak and that I wasn't alone, that others were going to be there to help me and love me regardless. Poor Bubba carried that weight on his shoulders all alone for a long time and I thank God daily for his strength, support and unwavering devotion to myself and Cale. When people hear PPD, they instantly think of Andrea Yates. People need to educate themselves before they jump to conclusions. Call people, talk, ask how they are doing. We aren't ridiculously senseless people that might rub off on you if you get too close. We are people that are suffering in silence, hoping no one will notice but praying that someone will help us feel normal.
I've always been very open about my PPD. People think it's something to whisper about, something to hide. I thought that myself with my first diagnosis, but it's not. The more I talk about it the more I can help those understand and support people. Now on that note, if you don't fully understand what someone is going through, that's ok too. There are people in my life that still don't get what I went through and what I'm still fighting now. I was constantly pushed to take meds and have been asked to this day why I didn't. Here's why. . .there are pills that have been found to show very little traces in breastmilk, but when this started they were unsure of side effects on the baby later in life. I exclusively pumped for Cale until he was 11 months old and did not want to harm him in any way, that's why :)
By talking about it to people, I've also been able to help those suffering silently. People I've never met face to face, people I see daily and even people that haven't contacted me, but they simply know they aren't alone.
I've been in therapy since June 2002 and you wouldn't believe how strong of a person I am now. I still have attacks, but I've learned to fight some off, and to handle those that sneak up on me better.
Now that you've read my ramblings, you can feel better about being educated on some of the types of depression. If you know someone that you think is suffering, reach out to them (don't try to "fix" them, that's not your job!), let them know that you are there to support them in any way possible and listen. If you are silently suffering and hurting, don't hold it in, talk to someone. Shoot, email me!! But don't let it continue, it's not worth being miserable during out short stay on this earth. It's amazing how differently you look at life after you've learned to handle your depression. There are many treatments, you must chose the one that is right for you (man, that sounds like a commercial! LOL). Although I'm tired, I feel great. . .bring it on!! I'll take on the world ;) And pray for me, as I will for all of you, for strength and happiness as the journey continues. And thank you to those that have helped me deal with this over the years. I love you all!! :)
And we want another one. . . . .*shaking my head* ;)
Fast forward to this Tuesday. We'd walked the mall in hopes that Cale would be calm and non-toddler like, but I was feeling mighty icky. So we return home and while sitting in the living room, Cale has one dog on each side of him, patting their backs and saying, "Num, Two! Two dogee!!" to which we smile and nod. Cale goes back and forth with petting the two dogs and not 10 minutes later is in the floor with Emmee. He's patting her back and, as we watched in pure shock, she goes after him, biting him and knocking him backwards. No parent should EVER have to watch this!! Chris grabs Emmee and I fall to the ground and scoop up Cale. This time the blood continues and continues. He lets me look and it's not just his lip this time, it's also his tongue and his gums above his 2 front teeth. Mortified, Chris takes Emmee and drops her at my mom and dad's. We are now searching for a home for her, a home without children. I am so heartbroken! We've had her for 6 years and she was my baby before Cale. It's wild, we'd never had a problem with her before and we, for some reason, thought it would be Skye instead of Emmee.
Then last night. . .what a night for Cale! We sit down to dinner in the living room (it's one of our favorite things to do). In an attempt to get Cale to eat well, we've taken his highchair and placed a TV tray in front of him instead of the highchair tray (which he can successfully take off!). Chris was out grilling him a few ribs and ran to the sliding door, banging and yelling in his way of scaring Cale. Normally this is fun and great, but it scared Cale so badly that he jumped and knocked the tray over. He cried and cried and cried. It was so awful!! THEN, my sister and Jason came over. They were playing "horsey" in the hall and all of a sudden Cale fell off of Carly. When he did, his ear caught the corner of the wall and busted it open. Once again, momma watched in horror but scooped him up to get some loving. Later, my mom showed up, and, like I've posted before, she has a knack for injuring my child. She stepped over the gate onto his hand AND then knocked him in the head with the chair she was so vigorously rocking in. This poor child is so beaten and battered, I'm surprised he won't be taken into custody!! :)
Now, being the good mother that I am (stop laughing!!) there will be pictures of some of these injuries. The first fat lip from Emmee, the second nasty place above his teeth from Emmee, Cale sitting at the TV tray, a picture from mere moments before the horsey fall and yes, probably the ear (which I've yet to see this morning since he's STILL asleep!). Hey, I've got to document these things and besides, we all know how nosey others are, you wanna see them too!! ;)
Hence the hunt for shoes. Not just any shoes, the PERFECT shoes! My mom mentioned buying him shoes that light up, but this was like, oh, 8 months ago. The only shoes that I had seen that had lights on them were character shoes and I don't much care for character shoes/clothes. Mom, knowing this, sent me on a quest for light up shoes. Three months later Cale was still not the happy owner of lighted shoes.
So here I am, straight out of a cast in the heat of June and I find these awesome light up shoes!! No characters and very practical. They were on sale too!!!! AMAZING!!!! ;) BUT, Chris was at work and I can't just off and buy shoes without him there (he's very particular about what Cale wears, he's afraid I'll buy him shoes with bows or something!). So I head home with no lighted shoes in my posession. That night, we catch Cale in his closet, pulling out all of his old shoes and SLAPPING the bottoms to get them to "light up." We knew then that he had to own a pair. We went the next day and bought them for him and he LOVES them!! God has been smiling on us since because he is JUST NOW outgrowing those shoes. Now the problem. . .finding another pair of acceptable light up shoes in a 9 1/2 or 10 (yes, he has huge feet too!) that won't cost $45!! I just know the minute I go out and pay full price he'll only be able to wear them through Thanksgiving!! Chris will shoot me!! BUT, I know what you're thinking, don't buy lighted shoes. PEOPLE!!!! LISTEN TO ME!!! READ MY POST!!! Cale goes to our closet, slaps the bottom of our shoes and then looks at us with pity as if saying, "Man, how incredibly heartbreaking that you don't have the coolest shoes like me. Stride Rite freaking rocks and you are just pathetic un-lighted shoe losers."
So the quest is on. If only his Daddy would get as involved in looking for the epitomy of shoes like he looked for the epitomy of vehicles for me. And no, eBay is flat out of lighted shoes that are approved by Bubba. Pray for a Stride Rite sale. . .and SOON!!!!!!!!
I started thinking about Halloween as soon as the fire crackers were cool ;) Last year I had decided I wanted Cale to be a little biker. . .leather jacket and all. But while searching on the internet discovered that his all time favorite character (Bear from Bear in the Big Blue House) is a costume!! Oh well then. . .I wouldn't have it that I didn't get that danged thing for him! I searched high and low and found new and used ones on ebay and bid and lost and searched and threw a fit until finally. . .I GOT IT!!!!!!! I got it back in September and went absolutely crazy!! I was freaking out!! I whipped it out of the box to find that it was more magnificent than I'd ever imagined!! The minute that Cale saw it he hit the high that I was on! He put it on and pranced around and smiled and it was precious!
Anyway, so I've been geared up to get Halloween HERE! We put off buying candy b/c we knew we'd eat it all before the big night. So we went on a much needed trip to Wal-Mart two nights ago (when is a trip to Wal-Mart NOT needed??) and browsed through the candy aisle. BUT, we hit it with a different thought process. As we walked we asked each other, "Do you like those? What about these? I hate those!" etc. etc. etc. ;) We chose 2 packs of candy that neither one of us cared for and as we left the store I looked at Chris and said, "In theory that's a great idea, but this really BITES!!! I WANT BUTTERFINGER!!!!!!!!!" It was a really good thing we didn't get any because we'd need to go back to the store for more!!
One of the fun things for us started last year when Chris' work started allowing the employees to bring their kids to trick-or-treat the building along with the daycare kids they bring in. Now seriously. . .he's almost 2 1/2 and only 1 1/2 last year. . .how much does he really "GET" trick-or-treating???? He doesn't feel that anticipation of DYING to go out but being told NOT YET for the umpteenth time because your mom makes you eat dinner first (OH THE HUMANITY OF EATING DINNER!!!!). He just thinks that he gets all the attention and candy for NOTHING and life is a handful of suckers. So why take him??? FOR THE CANDY YOU FRUIT LOOPS THAT'S WHY!! I WANT CANDY!!! Therefore Cale will be, once again, going in full force trick-or-treating mode tomorrow night, with one of his watchful parents in tow prompting him to "GET THE CHOCOLATE ONE CALE!"
Once again I prove the point that we suck as parents. . .using our children to manipulate the system of holidays. Oh well, I can't wait to have more ;)
