The fate of my future. . . .
I haven't written in awhile, or done much of anything for that matter, because of a deep pressing issue that haunts me in my sleep. I was contacted on Friday by a third party to find out if I was adopted. I told her yes, very vaguely, and gave no information. Bottom line. . .my birthmother is looking for me.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. First thing Friday morning, that's the email I get. I thought it was a hoax at first, but the woman had given the third party information that only she and I would know. I was not at all expecting it and had never even considered the idea that she would come looking for me. I'm still absorbing this information and ALL information I can get my hands on. I want my parents to have time to cope with this new situation also. It's been very hard for them and I'm not rushing.

We'd always talked about my interests in finding her, not vice versa. I'd never expressed an interest. . .I don't know why. Maybe it's for the exact reasons that I'm scared to persue this now. I'd always had a tiny bit of curiosity, but nothing to engage a search. We all thought that those little talks would prepare us for the future. We were wrong, nothing could have prepared us for the emotional rollercoaster that we have been on the last 5 days.

Chris and I talk about it sometimes, so do mom and I and even Carly. We wonder what she looks like, do her kids know about me, why is she looking for me now? We'd like to think that she's wanting to know that I'm alright. The answer to that is yes, I'm so wonderful!! I'd like to tell her thank you, thank you for providing me with a wonderful loving family. Thank you for providing me a life that is filled with opportunity, experiences and unconditional love.

But then the unknowns come into play and I don't want to tell her anything or find out anything. I'm scared of the unknowns and the what ifs. I don't like it. I get that freaky panicky feeling inside until I calm myself down and remind myself that, most likely, she won't hurt me :)

It's so weird to hear a story all of your life, then one day find out that the story is true. The thing that hit me hardest: she has a name. You're probably thinking, of course she has a name. But for 26 years of my life, she didn't have a name. She was always referred to as my biological mother. Now she's a "real" person, with a name, a home, a family, a job. She's the missing link to Cale's gorgeous crystal blue eyes. We'd always told people, "Well, my mother in law has blue eyes and I guess the other half comes from 'Piper's side'." Well, my birth mother to be exact. It's neat to have that little mystery solved.

So, what is the next step you ask?? The next step lies solely in my hands. I either decide to let her know who I am, or decide to leave it be for now. I'm torn. . .will I get the questions answered and face the unknowns or will I torture myself with the what ifs?? My decision has the possibility of a change reaction throughout my family and her family as well. *sigh* I guess that we'll all have to wait and see what turn my life takes now. Stay tuned.

WEEHAW!!!!!
Cyber friends. . .today is the day!! I am so excited I don't know what to do. I was sitting at lunch with Chris and all of a sudden threw my hands in the air saying, "I'm so excited!!!!!!!!" and then tried to calm myself down. It was like I KNEW today was the day!!

I got the email yesterday confirming the order of my computer and confirming that it shipped on Mon. It was coming up I-35 from TX so there was definite possibility that it could arrive. It was quiet nap time and the dogs wanted out. Out they go. . .then I hear the sliding of the UPS truck door. I JUMPED out of the chair and saw her deliver another package to the house across the street. You know that deep sinking feeling?? Yep, I got that and wanted to curse her. . .until. . .wait. . .there's a HUGE box up front too. . .here she comes. . .oh yeah baby, pick up that box!! YES!!!!!!!!! I met the poor woman on the sidewalk as I danced a jig. I signed and then fought to get that stupid 39lb box inside the door. Ooooooh heavy on that right hand!! I wrestled it in, jumped over it, the swimming stuff still in the floor, all of Cale's toys and took off running into the living room. This is when I decided it was time to call THE MAN!:) He did the leg work on my computer and knew how important it was for me. I call him totally out of breath (a lot of good working out is doing me! LOL) and said, YOU HAVE GOT TO COME HOME!!! NOW!!!!!!! He stopped in panic for a second and then I giggled and started chanting "It's here it's here it's here!!" He said, "I'll see you at 4" (4 is when he gets off work. . .that's no fun!!) So he got here and Cale had decided to wake up early so I am now going to finish cleaning up this room and hook up that new puppy to take her for a spin!! Hence the WEEHAW!!!!! :) Bye bye fruity ole' computer, hello new hotness!!!

Watch out eBay!!!
As I sat down at the computer tonight, I thought about how I needed to add another entry to my blog. I contemplated the things that have gone over in my head today: the immense radiating love for Cale, my disbelief in some of the things that Chris said, the old man sitting and eating lunch by himself after church, my mother sadly laying down in a hotel bed in Mobile, AL, my sister's slump, and even Skye and her mysterious illness this week. Then it hits me. . . the clutter at my feet, to my left, to my right, in the closet. . .it's my eBay pile!! *insert the eerie "duh duh DUH" here*

I am an eBay-aholic (among many things). I love to buy on eBay. But that rapidly changed last year when I started selling on ebay. HOLY MOLY!! Now every item I see I scan with my ebay eye ;) Chris and I finally got fed up with the clutter of our 3 closets (yes, we have 2 in our bedroom and one in the office that we confiscated to conceal our abundance of clothing). We took every item out of our walk-in and put it in piles and added to those piles by cleaning out the office closet today: Keep pile, Goodwill pile, Suited for Success pile, eBay pile & "It's burning my eyes!! Throw it out!!" pile.

*SIDENOTE* One of the shirts that was put in the later pile was the most awful piece of clothing I had ever seen. It was one that Chris wore to Tulsa the night he went up to party with his best friend. It was the first night he got really drunk and also the last. He ended up throwing up all over himself and everything else and swears that the shirt still smells of Crown Royal (I couldn't tell ya! I've never been around Crown Royal!!) It was purple and black and blue diamonds. . .NASTY!! I started laughing when he pulled it out of the closet and said, "Let me confirm, you went up there to meet girls right??" He nodded yes. "You thought you were going to get them in THAT shirt?!?!" He responded with, "Initially, but it didn't work real well and that's why I'm with you." (Gotta love him!! LOL)

Back to the cleaning of the closets. So Chris dropped of the 2 HUGE bags of Goodwill clothes, put the Suited for Success clothes in my car, threw out the HOLY MOLY clothes, the keep pile went back into 1 (yes ONE!!!) closet and now I stare at the piles and piles of ebay clothes and "stuff". I am absolutely amazed. Apparently I had nothing better to spend my money on in high school and college than clothing!! I was and still am a GAP-aholic, love their clothing (especially for my Lover!!) and I've got skirts, I've got shorts, I've got a pile of jeans!! I also went through a men's shirt phase. I've got at least 14 Polo and Hilfiger shirts to go on eBay. I did manage to keep 2 that I love dearly and couldn't get rid of, but Chris politely told me he married me, not a dude. LOL

Of course as I went through the clothing, every piece has a story! This was the dress I bought at that boutique on Laguna beach, with this dress and this dress and this sweater. This shirt I bought and LOVED but didn't have a hat to match, so on my way to class one day I stopped at Dillard's and bought the matching green/black hat. This shirt was a shirt that was never picked up at the cleaners. This skirt I bought in 9th grade!!!!! It looks brand new!! This shirt. . .I don't know where I got it but the tags are still on it! LOL Chris got quite the history lesson!!

So now my job is to organize it, put it in lots, and get ready to put it on ebay. They're never going to know what hit them!!! I'm amazed at the piles upon piles. . .it's sad and sickening really :) But someone had to keep GAP stock up, and someone had to make sure that Tommy and Ralph maintained their 1 million square foot homes right?? I was just doing my part to help the economy and fellow man. ;) Who am I kidding?? I love these clothes!!!!!!!!!!

The Hand Saga
Most of you that know me well, know what's been going on with my hand! :) For those that don't, here's a brief overview.

End of December, my fingers start to hurt (right hand. . .my dominate one!!). Within a week it's moved up my hand and into my wrist. I visit my primary and he puts me on anti-inflammatories saying, "You must have pulled a muscle." Three days later I'm in so much pain I refuse to use my hand. Chris gets me an appt with an orthopedic (sp??). He doesn't know what's wrong and puts me in a splint. I go back two weeks later, still in pain. He sends me to physical therapy and sees me two weeks later, still not better. The JERK sends me to an EMG at which point I bawl hysterically and kick the wall in pain, it comes back normal. He finally sends me to a hand specialist who takes the third set of x-rays and sends me for an MRI. March 8, 2004 ~ the results of the MRI show a torn ligament in my wrist along with a wider gap where the bones are moving apart. He puts me in a cast. I go through 8 weeks and 4 different colored casts (neon orange/pink/neon green/red WOOHOO!!)and get it taken off on May 12. I've been in another splint and back to physical therapy to try and regain strength and range of motion.

So the past week I have made some major improvement and I am so happy!! Just think about all the things you do with your dominate hand. . .I couldn't write and learned to with my left, I couldn't eat and learned to with my left, put make up on and I learned to with my left, type YIKES!!, turn the key on in my car, tie my shoes, pick up Cale, personal things. . .it has been quite an interesting 6 months. Chris didn't even realize how much I used that hand. I couldn't vaccum, open a jar, change a diaper! I'd invent ways of doing things, I refused to wear anything that buttoned or zipped. . .that makes dressing quite hard. I refused to go anywhere without help! When I'd open a jar, I would grimace. Now when Cale sees anyone going to "open" something he screws his face up because that's what Momma does! LOL

I have now successfully put make up on with my right hand!! Turned the car on!! YIPPEE!! I ate with my right hand the CORRECT way, not palm down!! These may seem like minor things. . .but for me they are hurdles a long time in the making. I don't have full strength back yet, or full range of motion, but I remember the first night I could get my right hand turned all the way over so I could cup water. I wanted to cry! And the first day I got to hug Cale and feel him with that right hand. . .holy moly I just wanted to hold him there forever!!

So next time you go to the bathroom ;), zip your pants or brush your hair, pay attention to your hands/arms and their movements. It's been a long 7 months but I'm almost there!!!!

And I have to thank Chris. He would often forget my limitations and ask me to do something undoable (pick up the humidifier, carry silverware, the coke bottle, my plate and the butter) but he helped me, most times without complaining ;) He was there to drug me when I was in pain (Thanks Bubba!! LOL) and changed most diapers, clothing, shoes (even my own), cut meat (his, Cale's AND mine) and took on the challenge of sitting with Cale during meals so I could "concentrate" on eating with my left hand. What a man. . .a man that now says, "While you're watching Cale, doing laundry, making lunch and working, "We" need to vaccum and dust and mop etc. I'll get right on that ;)

Also a big thanks to my mom, dad and sis. They would come over and help me clean and take care of Cale when they were available. They would take care of us during the weekend while Chris was working his second job and make sure we ate and rested. I don't know how I would have made it through without them! Mom & dad would even take us grocery shopping because they knew I refused to go :) (see the body wash post! LOL)

So a big thank you to everyone that helped me for the past 7 months! I appreciate the help, the support, the phone calls and the meat cutting! LOL

What to eat?
You'd think that with me weighing 700lbs and Chris proudly standing at 274 1/2lbs (oh, you have to put the half in there! It officially gets him below 275!! LOL) that we wouldn't have a problem deciding on what we will eat. Each and every meal, whether we go out (which we do often) or whether we eat at home, we have the same conversation.

Chris: Whaddya wanna do for breakfast/lunch/dinner? And don't say you don't care.

Me: I don't care. *insert snicker here*

Chris: *insert his annoyed sigh here* Well are you craving something?????

Me: EVERYTHING!! I'm starving!

Chris: So whaddya want?

Me: Pizza!!! *insert second snicker here*

Chris: *insert MAJORLY annoyed sigh here* Seriously. . . whaddya want?

Me: SERIOUSLY! I don't know, what do YOU want? Aren't YOU craving something?

Chris: Meat. (hello duh!! He's on the Atkins diet!!)

Me: *insert my annoyed sigh* Just pick something!

Chris: I just wish you'd tell me what you want!

Me: Every time I tell you what I want, it gets shot down so you might as well just make the decision and do it now!

Chris: ~~~~silence~~~~

Me: Why don't you just call me back when you decide ok????

Quite the loving couple huh?? ;) We used to have the strike out/suggest rule. One person suggests something/a place and if the other doesn't want to eat there/it, they are responsible for the next suggestion. It worked like a charm until 1. Cale was born 2. Chris started his diet! The funny thing is when we're around my parents they do the same thing, but worse. Dad always ends up spitting mad and does that "laugh". . .oooohhhhh I HATE that laugh! It's the, "I'm laughing in order to not rip your head clean off of your body leaving nothing but a blood dripping spine" laugh. Scary really.

So the moral of the story. . .don't ask me what I want to eat. I've spent one year and five months conforming my eating habits to that of my husband in order to to buy him the one and only worldly posession he desires with every fiber of his being - a big screen tv. And just in case anyone is counting (which no one is besides Bubba himself. . .maybe Joe. . .but that's just because Chris has brainwashed him) there are only 44 days until Chris will spend every last penny we have, deprive us of house, food, clothing and entertainment center, to buy the Mitsubishi 623 (or whatever model it is today). But I digress.

For the love of George, just pick something to eat and I'm bound to find something that will fill that void in the pit that I call a stomach.

Happy Birthday to ME!!!
Remember how I saidI love birthdays?? Well it's my birthday and I've tried to keep it VERY low key and not write it on my car LOL I am 26 today and Chris woke me up at midnight to say happy birthday (I think that's what he said, it was really mumbled and slurred) Chris took today off and we got to hang out. My sister not only sent me an email at the butt crack of dawn, but also left me a voicemail on my cell stating that if she had called the house phone I would have "killed" her :) Then my dad called to wish me a happy birthday and Chris' grandma played phone tag with me:) and my Gram called too. Mom called somewhere in there too. Chris and Cale and I then went and ate pizza. Why pizza?? Well, Chris' Atkin's diet doesn't work well with pizza and I don't get it very often. It was AWESOME!!! For dinner we went to the "southern" restaurant. . .where everything is fried!! The steak, chicken, okra, potato and even the corn :) Then remember the dessert I spoke of a couple of weeks ago? We went and picked it up and GORGED ourselves! Even Cale was so full he couldn't get out of the floor. Now that's what I call a great birthday!! :)

Before dinner, it started to rain and Chris screamed to get the video camera. Scared me to death, but I grabbed it and took off out front. There on the driveway stood Chris and Cale. . .in the rain!!! I don't know what happy pills Chris took, but he and Cale were running up and down the driveway just having a blast. Chris told me that it never rains a warm rain with no wind, thunder or lightening. He's right. . .usually we get tornado sirens accompanying the rain!LOL I took a ton of pics and you can see my two rain drenched boys playing in the rain. (I thought they looked like they lived in the projects but Chris just said it's what you do when you don't have a pool! LOL) The neighbors even came out to watch them play along with the roofers that were yelling things in Spanish! ;)

I received some very sweet cards and emails, including a very heartfelt confession from my mom. It's killing her that she's having to work and can't see me today. It's so great to know that she respects me as a daughter, friend, mother, sister and granddaughter. Dad put the same thing in his card. It's those types of warm fuzzies that keep you going when your child is screaming at the top of his lungs while you're trying to check out in a store and EVERYONE and their dog is staring :) I lucked out with parents and family. Chris and Cale rock my world too and what a great time we all had together!!

So I had a very happy birthday today and plan on enjoying it again next year.

The Freaky Wiggles Girl
Hey, don't most blogs by moms have to mention The Wiggles somewhere?? Well here I go!! LOL

Cale won't watch The Wiggles, he never has. He does, however, enjoy the music. . .just because that's what he's about is music! The only shows he really watches are Bear In The Big Blue House and the Baby Einstein videos. We've got it easy around here!! I swore my child would NEVER watch Barney!! LOL

Our ritual in the morning is once Cale gets up and eats breakfast, we get him dressed then I finish getting around myself (whatever I didn't have time for before he woke up!) We automatically go into my bedroom and the tv MUST be on. And it MUST be on the Disney Channel too! If Martha Stewart is on, Cale will scream and scream and point and go get the remote to try to change it himself (this doesn't usually work b/c he has the fan remote! LOL). It doesn't bother me though, I can handle the Disney Channel and approve of most of the shows.

So between shows they have little songs and lessons etc. They often play songs by either Bear or The Wiggles. Lately, it's been The Wiggles. . .Head Shoulders Knees and Toes (oh yes. . .you know the one!!) Cale is just enthralled by it. But that little girl sitting by, is it a mushroom???? She just FREAKS me out!! Is it me? I can't be the only one that gets the heebie jeebies by this little girl in an elf outfit bobbing her head. Spooky!! LOL

On the bobbing head aspect. . .we were sitting at lunch with my parents yesterday (Oma and Odie on either side of their Witty) and a song came on. Some 80's song that I can't remember right now. Well Cale starts bobbing his head like that little freak from The Wiggles song!! We all crack up b/c he's just a dancing and a bobbing. (For some reason the smiling and head bobbing kind of reminds me of the opening sequence on The Brady Bunch). The moment was strange and scary but at least Cale didn't have that plastic smile plastered on his face with grown men dancing like idiots behind him. Nope, just Oma (in all her jet-lagged glory) and Odie (in all of his sweaty just-got-done-golfing glory) laughing and smiling and enjoying a Witty moment.

But for me, I will forever be terrified of that little girl. . .that head bobbing smile will haunt me in my dreams.

My Loves
Well, this is going to be a follow up to the Father's Day entry. We went to tuck Cale in last night. Our ritual involves Chris changing his diaper, then a game of "Daddy's gonna get Cale" in which he gets excited and throws himself into my chest with flailing arms and legs and a deep belly laugh. He wanted to give me a hug with pats (Chris calls this the Soprano Hug) and then kisses and straight back to Daddy. I was in for the most heart warming moment and didn't know it. . .he looked at Chris and then put his hands together in front of his chest. I stopped and Chris said, "We've been praying before bed this week." It took EVERY fiber in my being to not burst tears right there!! My husband and my son praying together. . .absolutely AWESOME!

At church on Sunday, our preacher taught a lesson on how to be a Christian father. This apparently touched Chris and I am thankful. I grew up in the church and want Cale to do the same thing. Chris finally feels comfortable at church and with the people, but I grew up there so they are second family! :) I am just so thankful. . .for church, my family, my upbringing, my husband and my child. Thinking of it like this and seeing them that way last night kind of makes all the little annoyances go away. It gives me peace.

Happy Father's Day
Today is a big day for me b/c (as those that know me well) I worship my father! He has made mistakes, but he taught me well and we both learned from those mistakes. It was so great to get to spend the morning and early afternoon with my dad and Chris. . .the father of my gorgeous Lover! ;) They are best friends and Lord help us all when they get together. Now Cale has slid right in there and the three of them. . .bad news! LOL

Cale of course doesn't quite "get" Father's Day. All he knew was that he got to carry a card to Daddy and wear Daddy's new watch. Then he got a homecooked meal (compliments of my sis) and got to carry another gift to Odie. One day I hope he truly understands the benefit of celebrating dads. I hope that he loves and respects his dad as much as I do mine.

Chris is a fairly new dad ~ 2 years. He'll tell you it's had its ups and downs. He is learning how to handle the hits and bites and even the blood and crying. It makes my heart tingle when I hear him tucking Cale in at night as he says, "Hey! I said I love you! Are you listening?? I love you!!" I enjoy watching them play and wrestle and mow the lawn together. Chris is often insecure about things, but I now find him saying, "I don't care! Cale enjoys it!" as he claps in the middle of the restaurant. Chris has learned a lot in the past 2 years and he'll continue to learn. I'm proud of all he's achieved, especially with the weight loss. He's becoming such a great model for Cale. I love you Bubba!! I hope you have a great Father's Day!

My heart goes out to those that have lost their fathers, my mom being one of them. It's a little more difficult to be so joyous on a day that celebrates what a great father you have when your's isn't physically here to receive that praise. Mom was happy today, but you could see it sitting there in the back of her mind. She misses him, we all do. He was a great creative man that made messes and kept quiet :) He built the house my grandmother now lives in and enjoyed it so much. He was a craftsman that loved woodworking, drawing and music. Chris reminds me of him many times and I know that Pa would have loved him and especially delighted in Cale.

I am honestly quite scared of the thought of losing my father. I remember when my mom got the news and I cannot even imagine the incredible pain she felt. I just hope that he knows how much I appreciate his listening, his advice, his sarcasm (in rare moments LOL), his humor and his love of myself, Chris, Cale and even our idiot dogs. He is always there when we need him and even when we don't. It is such a wonderful feeling to see how Chris and Cale respect and adore him, it just shows how wonderful he is. So Happy Father's Day dad. I love you so much!

Pondering the mysteries of body wash
This seems to have become quite a topic for our house over the last month or two. Women have enjoyed the lather and scents of body wash for awhile now. When Chris and I first got married, he wouldn't touch it and cringed at the site of the loofa and "pouf" in the shower. We all know how guys change over the years and eventually Chris tried the body wash. Yep, he was hooked!! :) I'll never forget the way he pranced in the room smelling of citrus. He rubbed his arm and said, "I like that stuff! My skin is so soft!" LOL So as of today, my 6'5" 276lb bear of a man openly proclaims his love for body wash and his assuredness of his masculinity. (But remember, in the stories from years ago he was 376. . .it made it even funnier!)

So here is where the story gets interesting. I went errand running with my dad one Saturday. We had to go to Wally World for food and general items. First, he parked a mile away as to save his car from any free flying carts (didn't work well with the Lexus huh dad?? LOL) So after running in the rain , we start the shop, and one that proved to be memorable. He needed toothpaste. . .that was 10 minutes as he searched for just the RIGHT one. Then deoderant. . .another 10 minutes contemplating Degree vs. whomever makes RedZone, stick, roll-on, etc. And the kicker ~ soap.

He smelled 9 million soaps and had me do the same. He settled on the one that he ALWAYS gets, the old fashioned Dial. I said, "Hey dad, they have your dial in the body wash." To which he replied very casually, "Yeah, I've tried it before. I just can't control it." This is where I fell on the ground of the soap aisle at Wally World laughing hysterically praying to God Almighty that I don't wet myself in public. I need clarification. . .what exactly was there to control with body wash?? (which I'm sure you're also asking yourself!) I tried to get him to explain it during the remaining 1 1/2 hours of our excursion, and all he could tell me was, "It's just --splahg-- everywhere! And that fuzzy thing. . .I wouldn't be caught dead using that stuff."

So apparently some men are old fashioned and enjoy their Dial soap. The thoughts of "fuzzy things" and body wash make them run for cover. Chris and I laughed about it last night as he got in the shower clutching his brand new body wash and smiling proudly. Luckily dad has his old standby Dial, for when he smells like "La poopay" :)